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were five, nor were they mentally present to hear my every
wise word. Peer input was preferred over mine. By fourteen
my children began to look at me as if they were peering into
the eyes of a different species.
The twelve-year-old is just starting to look forward to inde-
pendence, which is the exact goal we want to encourage:
to follow God, make wise decisions, and develop certain life
skills to navigate through this world. We want them to be self-
motivated and employable, to maintain a home, drive a car,
set an alarm, and brush their teeth regularly. And they want
to make decisions, choose a career, find a place to live and
a car to own, and decide when to get up and whether or not
their teeth need brushing.
As a new parent I controlled things like bedtime--at least I
controlled the time when the child was physically in bed--
and which foods were on their plates, although they chose
what to actually swallow. It comes with some relief to realize
that I am not in control of such things anymore; my job is not
to control every aspect of their lives, or any at all. Letting go
of that which is no longer mine to control is freeing.
Yet the transformation of my offspring from dependent
child to independent adult leaves me feeling confused and
somewhat in limbo. I need to be available, but there is less to
do. I am perpetually "on call." My job hasn't really changed,
yet I do it differently. I still need to nurture, to validate, and to
protect, although I definitely need to perform those roles in
a modified manner. A teenager needs nurturing, but in more
discreet ways than a toddler. I validate quietly and often, and
I protect less. They naturally have more responsibility, and I
need to let them experience the consequences of their own
decisions and behaviors. My job stays the same, but my
position changes as I stand farther away.
When Hannah is home from college, she soaks up her family
and friends. She bounces between babysitting little friends
and enjoying coffee with big friends. At times she slips down
the stairs, rests her head on my shoulder, and murmurs
"Mommy." She still needs nurturing; she still requires valida-
tion. She comes home to take a break from the chaos of the
dorm and the stress of independence. She comes home for
a calm, safe space filled with love. My job, with God's help, is
to provide that.
Laurie Stroup and her husband, Steve, have three children: two who
currently attend college and the youngest a junior in high school.
They have all attended the same independent, college-prep school
in Fort Wayne, Indiana, operating to teach the understanding of the
implications of Christian principles in their daily lives.
Recommended Reading
Tim Sanford. Losing Control and Liking It: How to
Set Your Teen (and Yourself) Free. (Wheaton, Ill:
Tyndale House Publishers), 2009.
John Zmirak and Kara Beer, eds. Choosing the Right
College. (Wilmington, Del.: ISI Books), 2007.
Christian Colleges Guide. 2007 edition.
College Prowler. The Big Book of Colleges 2012.
June 30, 2012.